Girl With The Beef Patty

Have you ever experienced a moment when you witnessed something so painfully annoying, and yet so delicately beautiful, all at the same time? An experience that leaves you feeling confused, something that your brain can’t quite process; a moment that makes you tilt your head and squint your eyes. And with this I present to you an original performance titled “Girl with the Beef Patty.”

So, the other night, I sat down across a woman who was eating a beef patty on the subway. Seems like nothing out of the ordinary, right? Except, what caught my attention was how she ate it. By the time she got on the subway, the beef patty was already three quarters eaten. This woman had the audacity to eat the remaining tiny piece in eight separate bites. EIGHT bites! Yes, I counted. Why? Because who the f*ck takes that long to eat the equivalent of two bites!? (Or one, if you are me.) This ‘micro biter’ would literally take a mouse-sized bite, pause, look at it, chew it over 42 times, look at it again, swallow, and then take an even smaller bite.  Let’s be clear: this wasn’t some gastronomical experience where you savour every bite of your uniquely, wonderfully curated meal – it was a damn convenience store beef patty.

I was so relieved as she finally took her last bite, finally released from a trance-like state. And now I want a beef patty.

Update: I just ate a beef patty and I absolutely crushed it. Four bites and it was down the hatch. The look on my husband’s face is one that I’m sure he hopes to forget.


One thought on “Girl With The Beef Patty

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  1. “I just ate a beef patty and I absolutely crushed it. Four bites and it was down the hatch.” Cristina: You. Are. Hilarious. I’ve often noticed people’s strange relationship to food too. It manifests itself in timid, picky eating styles. I too am a chomper.


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